The Accidental Bride

7 min readMay 29, 2021

Chapter 1: Good-Bye Philly: Hello Lagos

I hopped on my last train from Center City to the airport. Philadelphia stood tall behind me in the full bloom of fall, the time of the year when leaves turn into glorious shades of burnt orange, lavender, rust, pumpkin spice, golden yellow, and raspberry red. Soft sunlight pierced through the trees, casting golden glows on the houses that lined its path. I watched as the city slowly disappeared before my eyes, giving way to shadows, the shadows I felt before fleeing Lagos.

If not for Dad’s passing, I had promised not to visit Lagos again till I had a husband.

Unlike some of my friends who came to Philadelphia for a better quality of life, I moved to Philly because of my rambunctious family.

At 37, I was unmarried and my family would marry me off to a bird if a willing one flew by.

On my part, I was quite satisfied with my life. I had a good job and could have bought a lovely house on the Peninsula, but my family insisted that buying a house would negatively impact my spouse-getting-efforts.

I remember how petrified I was on the night Felix, my ex-boyfriend left me. My aunties gathered at my parents’ house to bemoan. You would have thought Felix died. My petrification turned to humiliation when my aunties kept trying Felix’s phone number till late into the night. I wondered what they wanted to tell him!

To please come back to me?

That day, the prospect that something might be awfully wrong with my family was birthed.

So, coming to live in Philly was just perfect for me. Life suddenly became easier. No more embarrassing do-you-now-have-a-boyfriend questions. No more sudden family-wide calls for fasting and prayers that a man should find me! I had my 40th birthday in peace without the usual birthday-morning-tear-streaked-mournful calls from my mum, dad, and aunties. Not that they did not attempt to cry when they called on my 40th birthday, just that once they started, I was quick to play the bad-phone-network-connectivity-issues game.

So, my dad passed on and I had to hop on a Lagos-bound plane to perform my last respect.

More than the fear of seeing the remains of my late dad, I was terrified to face my uncouth family with their prying eyes and incessant vexatious husband prayers.

For about the 15th time in my life, I thought of renting a gentleman to act as my fiance throughout my stay at home in Lagos. My online search for a man-rental service was unfruitful. I was going to abort the thoughts when Fern, my white American friend volunteered to travel down with me to the bull shark’s tank.

Fern is my fun-loving best friend and I could not have chosen a better pretend significant other!

Fern and I landed in Lagos on a day with unforgivingly hot weather of 35 Degrees Celsius. I had prepared him not only for the oppressive heat but also for any absurdity my non-compos-mentis family displayed.

I wished to be given the opportunity to mourn my late father and hoped his burial rites would not be overshadowed by the excitement of my family meeting Fern.

Aunty Pei was the first to see us at the airport. I was shocked when she headed straight to give Fern a full-body hug, ignoring me.

Next came Mum. She was chanting along the lines that God had replaced her sorrows by giving her a son-in-law. I pitied her for a second until she started recounting how choosy I had been about men and that all my friends were married. At that point, I fell in love with my plans even more.

On the morning of Dad’s burial, Mum sneaked into my room with a well-tailored blue aso-ebi for Fern. She has shrunk since Dad passed and I could see she misses him so much. Again a part of me thanked my stars for bringing Fern.

“This is for Fern,” Mum said, throwing the aso-ebi on my lap. “We made it before you came, we knew you were coming with a man. Pei was sure of his cloth size, she saw it in a vision.”

I laughed.

“You know, I prefer someone from here,” Mum continued, sitting by my side on the bed.

“But right now anything you bring is good.” I watched Mum as her lips formed the words. Those same words that caused world wars between us before I skedaddled to Philly.

Anything? Mum? Seriously?

I looked at the well-tailored aso-ebi hilariously. My mum never ceases to amaze me.

“Thanks, Mum. It’s lovely,” I said, admiring the richly patterned aso-Ebi. “It’s a bit different though, I thought we were wearing orange and white today for Dad’s program.” I continued as Mum made her way out.

“It’s for the wedding. We will do it tomorrow morning before the guests who came here for the burial leave,” Mum said without blinking.

“Hmm…whose wedding? You didn’t tell me we were having another occasion!” I asked playfully. I had a mix of joy and sadness at the prospect of having a family wedding at the same time as Dad’s burial.

“Yours!” Mum replied sharply, shocking herself at the sound of her own voice which came out with a higher pitch than she expected.

Avoiding eye contact, Mum made her way out of the room.

Chapter 2: This Family Is Relentless!

Fern was in the front yard, dancing with my aunties and uncles when I found him. They were singing folklore karaoke, clapping their hands, and tapping their feet the traditional folklore way.

Dressed in the African outfit that my family made for him, Fern blew a kiss and continued his unrhythmic dancing as I tried to get his attention.

My aunties pulled me into the group.

My grand-uncle K, an orthodox church vicar pulled out my hand to give marital blessings to Fern and me. I struggled. He prevailed. Fern stretched his hand voluntarily.

He is a natural!

I searched Fern’s eyes for answers, he returned again with a kiss.

A kiss? Fern?

Before I could return my gaze to grand-uncle K, he had pronounced a marital blessing!

Aunty Pei popped a bottle of champagne and screamed, “God has turned our mourning into laughter ooo”. I must confess, she looked drunk.

I was speechless.

“Your father knew this would happen, he planned it all. This is exactly how he wanted it. Your marriage will be blessed, my daughter,” Mum said as she walked by.

Planned it? My dad planned it?

Aunty Pei shoved me to my knees to join Fern who was already on his knees in prayers, with his eyes closed!

Grand-uncle K was still praying when from an angle, I saw another of my aunties arranging bridal flowers.

Where did they get that from? What is happening here?

Still in my thoughts, Mum pulled me back indoors. Desperation clouded her eyes as she shoved me into the movie room. A pitiful Victorian wedding dress hung on Dad’s vintage metalware. A pearl jewelry set and a pair of bridal shoes lay on the antique projector table beside the dress. Every accessory that I will need for my wedding day was present.

I tripped over as Mum turned me around to unzip my blouse.

Is she just about dressing me up for a wedding?

I would never have even bought this type of wedding dress for myself.

The whole setup looks more like a wedding than a burial! It is not fair on Dad! I looked at my mum in disbelief.

I finally found my voice and revolted.

“Mum, I want to see Dad!” I yelled, freeing myself from her grip.

“Where is he? I want to see his body now!” I continued.

I made for the house intercom to call Sule, the family chauffeur, to drive me to wherever my dad’s body was embalmed.

I shivered as I heard a male voice behind the drapes.

I looked at Mum. She smiled proudly.

“I’m not dead love,” Dad said as he exited the back of the drapes, “I was ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for your joy. And that’s exactly what I did.”

“Oh what a father!” Mum said with gentle tears. She clutched her chest in appreciation as she looked at my dad proudly.

‘’Dad?” I yelled, momentarily transfixed. I repeated in the same breath, “Papa?” I began to float. I could not feel my toes.

Is this a joke?

Am I dreaming?

Is Papa really alive?

Dad stretched his hand to hold me. I pulled back, horrified. The more he stretched, the further I ran.

My mum blocked the exit door so I could not escape the room.

It became a haunted circus in the huge movie room. The same room where my family watched movies such as The Witches and Beetlejuice is now one with those movies!

Dad caught hold of the hems of my dress as I stood on the steady antique projector table, towering above my parents and holding on to a remote control as a weapon.

Dad and Mum group hugged my legs.

I could not take it any longer.

The Accidental Bride

Written by Jumi Eniola